After a summer of having to speak French – without once setting foot in France, I’d like to point out – I’m feeling bruised but punchy. Not fluent, exactly – more F-fluent, if you see what I mean – but certainly able to pass on some of my hard won wisdom. And French is even getting into my new book, which is mostly set on the other side of the Channel. So, with the holiday season behind us and your business trip to Strasbourg looming, now seems to be the perfect time to share an initial batch of seven pearls.
1. Everyone knows that all French nouns are either masculine or feminine, but only the French know why and they won’t tell you. So, why not make life easier for yourself by cultivating a universal article of your very own? Don’t know if it’s le or la baguette? Then mumble laeuh baguette instead – the boulanger’s French subconscious will sort it out for you. Of course, you’ll be found out the moment you need to construct a grammatical sentence, but by then you’ll all be best of friends so it won’t matter.
2. Remember that no one in France actually says ‘scarebleu!’, ‘bon sang!’ or ‘ooh la la!’. At least, not in the way you think. It is possible that someone did once say ‘haw-hi-haw-hi-haw’, but that was a very long time ago and you won’t make any friends by bringing it up now. Besides, it probably happened in Belgium.
3. Don’t tell jokes. You are foreign – they will be interpreted as mistakes.
4. Practice your guttural ‘r’ but limit your expectations. If necessary, employ word avoidance strategies. For example, next time you need to refer to a map in France, call it un plan (plo[n]), not une carte (oon ca-rrrr!cof!hack!-t).
5. The French themselves may be happy to borrow lots of English words for their everyday speech, but they won’t be pleased to hear you using them. And only partly because you won’t pronounce them ‘properly’. So turn the tables by swotting up on a few native alternatives. Don’t say le weekend, brazenly call it la fin de semaine. Likewise, always park in a place de stationnment, call un sandwich a casse-croûte, and don’t forget it’s un courriel, not an e-mail. Your new French friends will be amazed you know and use these words. They will also be a teensy little bit ashamed of themselves.
6. Avoid words that contain the following letters in this order: o u i l l e. You will never be understood.
7. If in doubt, smile and gesture. Everyone likes a smile, though do keep your brain switched on for the gesture.
Next time: how to buy cheese using only body language and vaguely Gallic ejaculations. There will be a drawing.
love it Thomas, thankyou!
I so agree, especially on the o u i l l e!! really funny. I’ve been living in France for 19 years now and if I can avoid saying ‘grenouille’, I can, although the word ‘casse-couille’ is too much fun to avoid!!!!
Excellent, that really made Hubert and I laugh! Especially the ‘don’t do jokes’ and the ‘don’t do ouille’. Hubert asks you to also explain what attitude to take when asking the boulangère
for the baguette and getting “et avec ceci?” in reply 🙂
Thanks for the comments, Alison, and Ali.
Yes, ‘grenouille’ is certainly one to avoid. I always say ‘crapaud’ and let others correct me, thereby never having to say ‘grenouille’ myself.
Vouzie, I think all the bakers of Rouen know by now that I never eat ceci. No matter how well cured it may be;-) Hope you and Hubert are well.